It has been over a month now since culinary school has started and my new life in the city has taken off. Of course I am in, what I like to call, the "honey moon" phase of my journey. I am excited about everything, love walking everywhere, smile at the honk happy cabs, giggle at the homeless/drunk men that are always talking to themselves, not minding wearing and packing a heavy backpack filled of everything I need for the day...I am not naive, I know I will soon grow tired of all of that, and my joyful attitude will turn, into well...a "New Yorker" attitude. Rushed, hand gripped on cellphone, stressed, and hard. It's cool though... I know what is coming my way, so I will take this child like excitement while I can...
I must admit though... I have not been feeling like myself the last two weeks or so. I have been feeling sluggish, skin not great, hair feels a bit dry, and I have had an anxious feeling at the pit of my stomach. I am not feeling at ease. I am not feeling bright and energetic. I am starting to come down hard on myself because I can't seem to get to this feeling of "damn, I am feeling good and looking even better." I have been racking my brain and here are where I see some potential reasons for this sans swag attitude:
1) I literally just moved... I sold my dream car in order to have money to come to a city, live in a teeny room with no sunlight, and no cable, and no Jojo (my dog). So I guess some of that is catching up to me. I was on such a high when I just picked up and moved, that I didn't even think about selling my car, leaving my dog, leaving my friends, and my large (comparatively) condo. Life just got hard. This is EXACTLY what I asked for.... so I need to remember, there is a reason I am doing this, I need to be excited for that reason and live in the moment and not in the past. This is temporary, but it is hard to not have my dog, have dinner where "everyone knows your name," and sleep in a place with sunlight in every room. I asked for it.
2) I am not teaching classes. Or at least I wasn't until last week... Thank GOD I was hired as a pilates instructor. I really feel like I was missing being a motivator and seeing clients. I was used to teaching 4-6 times a day (literally until the day before I moved), and then I moved and it all stopped. I am hoping that me now teaching at least twice a week after class will help with that aspect.
3) I am missing my runs on townlake... I love running the East River and will need to hit up Central Park soon, but there is nothing like the comforting run on townlake. Also, getting my early morning workouts have been a struggle. It takes work to get up and WALK (not drive), to the gym at 5:30 AM....I am used to a quick drive or a 2 minute jog to the gym in Austin. Here, I have to walk a mile and although that is nothing, it is the packing of everything I need that day (school clothes, books, knives, work clothes, cell charger etc., lunch), that makes the decision to get up and get everything into a backpack before 6 AM tough.
4) I am not able to cook as easily. My kitchen here in the city is SMALL. Literally no room to cut veggies, oven is full of pans, and no dishwasher, which makes me less enthused to cook a nice meal....then clean. I do cook sometimes, but it also can be tough after 4 hours in a hot kitchen at school, to want to walk home, unpack, and cook again then clean. Therefore, I find myself going out to eat a lot... and probably over indulging more than I should, because I am new here in the city and wanting to try everything possible.
5) My meals have been a bit odd/off. We have practicals in school where we cook things like, soy, tempeh, grains, beans, etc., in one day. So I go to lunch, come back...cook a bunch of grain dishes, and then taste at 3 PM. So my body is thrown off....I guess it is all part of the culinary school experience.
6) I am thinking too much about failing....I am playing the "what if" game with myself, and not in a positive way. I am blessed to have such a genius brother who is a doctor, who married a genius nurse, who are happy, hard working, smart and have direction. I, on the other hand, do not. I have way too many loves in life. I want to be a musician, I want to be a pilates instructor, I want to open a restaurant, I want to be a nutritional counselor, I want to be a recruiter, etc., etc. I am not confused as to what I want to do, I just don't have an exact straight line to get to what I want, and it has been a journey for me. I am not anything like my family members and sometimes that weighs heavy on me. I have lived my life to make my family happy, but to also continue to do what makes me happy. Which is why I have worked 7 days a week, 3-4 different jobs, for a few years. I finally took a leap to do this New York thing, as something just for me. I know my family isn't thrilled... and it sucks. I keep worrying that if I don't come out of this experience and do something amazing, I will forever be looked at with those "I told you so." eyes. I literally risked everything to come here. I left my amazing jobs, dog, boyfriend, friends, house, sold my car, and if I can't come back and do something huge, then I have failed...Pretty scary and I am dwelling on that idea too much. Instead, I am hoping to change my thoughts to: "I am going to come back full of knowledge and do something that Austin has never seen." I am not sure why I started doubting myself, but these doubts are certainly taking away from my swagger... I need to refocus.
So, as I write, I even seen there are many variables that have made the last few weeks tough. I am trying to pull it together so I start to feel some sort of ease. I bought a journal (and really bad ass one), to write down my feelings. I am not singing at the moment, so my emotions are not coming out. The journaling is helping me understand my emotional ups and downs, and is helping me release a bit of my anxiety, just by putting thoughts on paper. I am using this week to really force myself to get up, get a workout done in the morning, get organized, lower the coffee intake, and stay home a bit to unwind, instead of going out.
New York is an amazing city, and there is no way I will see it all. I am trying to hard to fit too much into a day. This week will be the refocus, regroup week. My journey to get that energy back, and smile and laugh more. I have let negative energies take me down and now I need to climb back up. I will blog about my days this week, and what has worked and what hasn't. This was a bit more personal, but I do like to acknowledge real life problems, and show that these things should be addressed and actions should be taken to make a change, there just needs to be a bit more effort to get there.
So here's to my week of getting my own swagger back. Stay tuned.
Get your swag on
xo
Ty
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